And it’s music that has made me want to come around again, to look behind, to go on that journey to a place where I’ll never find myself again; just a travesty of sentimentality, even if I could look at the sun again and not feel the fear of going blind.
Even if time does not exist, something still passes for it around here, I think I have just gotten the hang of walking around the plain of consciousness and emotional discomfort, that I know I can shake hands with myself.
A ballpoint pen cap, a covered window 12 floors up, missing you, and all things I can notice at the moment, yes, this all makes sense again. A wonder if I am going down again, going down in a glide and that makes it all feel so warm.
And I am in a bit of anxiety about that.
But oh, let me see the night again, even without a guitar for a moment, I just want to reach and know that my fingers will grasp something instead of the evening air. Even so far from everything familiar and comfortable. I would love that, I miss myself and I guess holding myself in all its loneliness is a comfort far from anything.
How are you?
Answers, and more questions, but I am looking forward to it because everything seems suddenly new to me again, like rain and sunsets during certain days.
You know, perhaps I’ll see that moon again, even blurred as my near-sighted eyes can afford. It will still be a sight.
Aug 27, 2005
Aug 8, 2005
Solitude.
Now that I have the time for the lady.
Desperately wanting,
And the satisfaction of being there is elusive. Staring at the skies, I just realized, does not help that much; barely, in fact.
Like the slightest breeze, and it’s a gloomy day.
15 floors up, and I can see the ocean from here and I miss that too.
I don’t miss the sun. One of the original sad men, that’s why the preference for rain.
Not the golden globe.
I am going to hold somebody in my arms soon; in about two months time.
and Solitude’s not being an easy lay;
being far is cracking me up in the most unexpected places, and I know that Solitude’s a good glue.
I also want to go home.
Desperately wanting,
And the satisfaction of being there is elusive. Staring at the skies, I just realized, does not help that much; barely, in fact.
Like the slightest breeze, and it’s a gloomy day.
15 floors up, and I can see the ocean from here and I miss that too.
I don’t miss the sun. One of the original sad men, that’s why the preference for rain.
Not the golden globe.
I am going to hold somebody in my arms soon; in about two months time.
and Solitude’s not being an easy lay;
being far is cracking me up in the most unexpected places, and I know that Solitude’s a good glue.
I also want to go home.
Mar 2, 2005
point B.
after point A.
I imagine myself going on like fumes and exhaust, going on through EDSA traffic at at seven in the evening. straight on through, without stopping, and at the moment beyond all of this. I am going to point B. and i think for now that is all that matters, perhaps it is all that will matter. and without any sign at all, I have moved. going there.
I imagine myself going on like fumes and exhaust, going on through EDSA traffic at at seven in the evening. straight on through, without stopping, and at the moment beyond all of this. I am going to point B. and i think for now that is all that matters, perhaps it is all that will matter. and without any sign at all, I have moved. going there.
Nov 13, 2004
hi.
is this always it.
and breaking old ground has a painful sound.
goes right through your emotional eardrum
a ripping, and ragged edges are there like your old denims.
frayed and soft, but lacking the blood from shredded appendages.
you feel sick for some time. Then wonderful sleep comes.
some sort of a glorious feeling at the end.
ground has been broken, I’ll start sifting through them
I might still find some old things to be useful or
just to be salvaged because of the sheer sentimentality
leaking from them
and breaking old ground has a painful sound.
goes right through your emotional eardrum
a ripping, and ragged edges are there like your old denims.
frayed and soft, but lacking the blood from shredded appendages.
you feel sick for some time. Then wonderful sleep comes.
some sort of a glorious feeling at the end.
ground has been broken, I’ll start sifting through them
I might still find some old things to be useful or
just to be salvaged because of the sheer sentimentality
leaking from them
Nov 4, 2004
somewhen1.6
I am the haze again, immaterial and wet barely.
even there.
a ghost would have been better.
Ohh.
I have been down before, even when upside was the
ground floor.
yes, down. Now I am way through basement three.
way way down below.
Like never there at all.
a haze and nothing more. And your hands can go through me like they were
superheated piano strings through butter.
I am scattered again. Dislocation was better. Way better.
and I can see the sun from twelve floors up
I suddenly want the night. And rain rain. Rain.
the sun will burn me up. And I will go nowhere
even there.
a ghost would have been better.
Ohh.
I have been down before, even when upside was the
ground floor.
yes, down. Now I am way through basement three.
way way down below.
Like never there at all.
a haze and nothing more. And your hands can go through me like they were
superheated piano strings through butter.
I am scattered again. Dislocation was better. Way better.
and I can see the sun from twelve floors up
I suddenly want the night. And rain rain. Rain.
the sun will burn me up. And I will go nowhere
somewhen1.5
mamaya makikita ko na ang araw. na naman.
ikaw na munang laman ng isip ko ngayong mga ilang minuto,
nakakatanga ang ginagawa ko.
magagamit ko imagination ko sa yo, para makapahinga naman.
oo, bangag na rin ako. pero may salamin naman.
musta na mga mata, may bago ka na?
i mean salamin. tawagan kaya kita pag sweldo.
marinig lang tawa mo.
o hello, kung pacute o babaeng babae ba.
o weird pa rin, but that right kind of weird.
parang ilong na hindi matangos pero hindi naman pango.
parang, parang lahat na bagay na gusto ko munang pag-isipan ngayong oras. na isa ka na dun, na isa na ang boses mo.
isa pa rin kung kalamig dito sa The Fort kung tatakbo ka
sa gitna ng kalsada na walang damit ngayong oras.
at isa pa kung anong maramramdaman ko kung matutulog ako
dun sa luma kong kama sa Naga.
o kung may yumayakap sa kin ngayong oras
at nilalamig ako sa aircon.
dami. dami pala. pero maganda yung hello mo.
at sana di ka malungkot. ngayong araw.
ikaw na munang laman ng isip ko ngayong mga ilang minuto,
nakakatanga ang ginagawa ko.
magagamit ko imagination ko sa yo, para makapahinga naman.
oo, bangag na rin ako. pero may salamin naman.
musta na mga mata, may bago ka na?
i mean salamin. tawagan kaya kita pag sweldo.
marinig lang tawa mo.
o hello, kung pacute o babaeng babae ba.
o weird pa rin, but that right kind of weird.
parang ilong na hindi matangos pero hindi naman pango.
parang, parang lahat na bagay na gusto ko munang pag-isipan ngayong oras. na isa ka na dun, na isa na ang boses mo.
isa pa rin kung kalamig dito sa The Fort kung tatakbo ka
sa gitna ng kalsada na walang damit ngayong oras.
at isa pa kung anong maramramdaman ko kung matutulog ako
dun sa luma kong kama sa Naga.
o kung may yumayakap sa kin ngayong oras
at nilalamig ako sa aircon.
dami. dami pala. pero maganda yung hello mo.
at sana di ka malungkot. ngayong araw.
Oct 27, 2004
somewhen1.4
a burp for all the things my mind ate. nothing discreet. something
close to a laserburn. or like any hurt that stays and remains like a dull
ache every time that that memory gets jarred.
then i'll do a solo on my guitar, just to say hello to myself. like a
mirror but more sublime. like the aftereffects of tea.
and i lost a lot of things when the CD broke. a mental note not to
trust physical things with foreverness. or is that statement beyond me like
the few hundred meters from shore unaided.
then i will not let myself forget.
close to a laserburn. or like any hurt that stays and remains like a dull
ache every time that that memory gets jarred.
then i'll do a solo on my guitar, just to say hello to myself. like a
mirror but more sublime. like the aftereffects of tea.
and i lost a lot of things when the CD broke. a mental note not to
trust physical things with foreverness. or is that statement beyond me like
the few hundred meters from shore unaided.
then i will not let myself forget.
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